Feeling Juicy

Four days ago I braved the scales – having put the post Christmas weigh in off as long as possible.

I had done the tit/tum test (where success is walking towards a wall and having your tits hit the wall before your tum does) and failed miserably.

I knew things had got really bad when I was watching a news item on obesity. You know the ones – always accompanied by video footage of shoulder to knee views of poor unsuspecting Fat Bastards going about their business, And I suddenly became filled with terror that that I was about to come into view – wandering down Sauchiehall Street eating a roll and sausage or a burger or something similar with the camera zooming in on my jelly belly and everyone watching saying ‘oh that looks like Jen.. wait a minute… that IS her’. That night I dreamed of post after post on my facebook saying ‘saw you on the news last night’ with a freeze frame of my jelly belly – then a ton of comments from Daily Mail readers slagging me off for single handedly bringing the NHS to its knees. I woke with palpitations and thanks to google can confirm this is most likely to be another menopausal symptom rather than a heart attack which I first thought.

So it was time to take action. I prepared for the scales in the usual way – no breakfast; trip to loo beforehand; gave a pint of blood the day before etc.

Deep breath – it would be small step for a skinny woman – but it is a giant leap for a fat menopausal woman.

Pause. Look down.




Officially 50% fatter than I was 8 years ago. About 40% of that increase resting around my middle.

And it is 12 weeks til I attend a wedding. A wedding where a number of people won’t have seen me for eight years. I need to lose 70lbs by then. This is a challenge in itself – but will be made more challenging due to a large number of 50th Birthdays between now and then.

Now, Davina McCall spent her 50th with her friends – trekking about 600 miles with only a tiny slice of vegan cake half way to sustain them. I tentatively suggested similar activities to my almost 50 year old friends only to be met with great mirth and a reminder to pay my share of the five course tasting menus with cocktails/weekend away with full breakfast and three course dinner… and other such celebrations all equally unlikely to support ‘Project Lose 70’.

I will not be put off though. I will not give in to menopausal fatness. I will fight fight fight for the return of my body to its rightful shape.

But I am absolutely NOT going to another Fat Club – I tried to one a few months ago and I CANNOT listen to another skinny woman called Tracey who announces she cannot believe she has lost another 3lbs despite having 4 takeaways, a box of milk tray and a bottle of wine. Especially when I followed the ‘plan’ to the feckin letter and lost feck all!

So I decide to juice. Easy Peasy. Amanda Holden does it – she did an interview and it was accompanied my her photo in tight workout gear clutching her green drink and looking fab. And my menopause book says that increasing my intake of live, fresh fruits and vegetables will help my body ‘eat its way out of menopausal symptoms’. And the blurb says I can lose 5lbs in 7 days which the biggest motivator.

Got my juicer out the attic (I did it once about a year ago but it took bloody ages to clean it so I didn’t use it again – but I am more determined this time) and go to Tesco and buy an inordinate amount of fruit and veg.

And I actually did it – following it completely (apart from four freddo frogs, a marmalade sandwich and a packet of love hearts…. but I bet even Amanda Holden didn’t stick to it 100%).

Four day big weigh in this morning. And… I LOST 6LB! I dance around with Sweet Dog, much to her joy.

I am losing more than average… it suddenly strikes me that perhaps I don’t have a metabolism shot to pieces from the menopause but am actually just a greedy bastard….

Another 64lbs to go. Well 54lbs as I am going to get a fake tan before the wedding and everyone knows a tan knocks 10lbs off! Actually maybe 44lbs because careful dressing can knock another 10lbs off according to Trinnie and Susannah.

Project Lose 44 is now well under way… I’ll keep you posted.

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