So this weekend was spent in the Lakes celebrating Tina the Turners birthday – the second in a slew of 50s happening over this year.
Tina the Turner isn’t actually 50 til October but she decreed long ago that any birthday she had that that finished with a 0 must last a full year. And who are we to differ?
This one was special as the last time we were all together (due to Geography and Life) was for her 21st. Even with menopausal brain fog it didn’t take long to work out that was 29 years ago. ‘How can this be?’ we mused, convinced that we surely cannot have been on this planet long enough to have lived almost 3 decades since we were 21. We certainly do not have the wisdom one would expect from such life experience and thanks to l’oreal we have no grey hairs either! Further analysis concluded that most of us are now in our sixth decade on this planet. FuckaDuck!
Travel arrangements were complex with no-one wanting to travel in my car due to my tendency to roll the windows down during a hot flush. Often this isn’t a huge problem, but I guess this reluctance is currently understandable as it is currently minus 8 with frequent blizzards. However the other options for the non drivers were Pee Stop Pam who has to pull into every service station to go and have a wee, and Easily Distracted Rachel whose driving since hitting the menopause has become erratic to say the least. So I got my lovely pal Amy and we compromised that I would roll the window down only twice, and she would keep a rug in the footwell to use at these times. A sensible solution for two sensible adults. I remember for the 21st we were only bothered about how much booze we could ram into the car – how times change!
And so Six Menopausal women went off to the Lakes. We were joined by Tina’s 35 year old cousin, Kerry who lives near our cottage. She is quite funky and set us all up a whatsapp group. We got to our location to discover she had posted a number of bars and pubs in Penrith and found a taxi firm that could take us there.
How we laughed!!! We were still laughing at half seven when she arrived to find us putting on our pajamas. We chat about the best slippers to wear to keep warm. I favour a stout all enclosed fur lined slipper but Tina is on other end of the spectrum – not quite ready to give up her mules. Slipper socks seemed the most popular. Kerry tries not to let her disappointment show at our mirth at the thought of actually getting dressed up and going out somewhere.
We all then poured the gin and started a game of Cards against Humanity. I had never heard of this and having now played several rounds – I can state with some authority that this is not a game to play if you or any of your friends are easily offended. Fortunately this did not apply to any of us. However we had to scrap all the cards that required two answers as Kerry was getting pissed off with most of us forgetting the start of the question before we got to the end. Her time will come!!!
Then we had a nice long chat about all the illnesses we have suffered from over the year. I learned more about the human anatomy that most GP’s that night. Then we moved onto the importance of having a will and how expensive a funeral can be. Finally we moved onto pensions which was depressing as we all thought we had an agreement with the Government that we would work our arses off from the age of 16 and give the Government lots of our income in order to get a wee bit back from the age of 60. However the government broke their side of the bargain by using our cash to pay for failed IT systems, bombs and Duck Ponds for MP’s. Hence we will all be working til we are around 145 years old. We were so depressed at that thought we had to have another gin before we sorted out all our rubbish for the recycling bins the next day.
Menopausal memory loss and no facebook in those days means we have only a hazy recollection of the 21st – but I think I can categorically state we did not discuss pensions or do any recycling….
Next day we decide to hit the spa. I have a slight problem in that I always assumed swimsuits fell into the same category as earrings, shoes and handbags i.e useable however fat you get. Well turns out that is not the case. It took some serious wrestling to get it over my hips and especially my belly – then it clung like a sausage skin about to split at any time. Fortunately there were lovely big baggy robes for us to enjoy. Didn’t stop me having four cakes, two scones and seven sandwiches with prosecco for high tea though (another change from the 21st – everyone scoffed everything – I have not changed but many of my pals now following diets to help their symptoms. Carb free… Vegan… Vegetarian. This means lots of extra for me who follows no such diet except for occasional 3 day fad ones.
We then had to head back to the lodge as a camomile tea and a disco nap is essential when attempting to party two nights in a row.
There seemed no point in taking our pajamas off after the disco nap so we all came together to sing karaoke and drink more gin. Disaster struck when we ran out of mixers!! However Pam had the great idea of using prosecco instead of tonic water. It was a great idea – rhubarb and ginger gin topped up with prosecco is very good. We then experimented with other ‘mixers’ such as pina colada vodka. Things got a little messy from there on in. Let’s just say a good night was had by all. And as we are all technologically inept there is not evidence on instagram, pininterest, snapchat, twitter or any of the other things that the yoof of today use. We did do a couple of photos for facebook which according to Kerry is just for old people but they were very much ‘before’ pictures as none of us could work the camera or video after a few.
Next morning it was off home – so we all had just half a cup of tea each so we wouldn’t have to do a toilet stop until we had been driving for at least an hour. We are nothing if not sensible. We then got all the bananas, grapes, vegetables that we had optimistically brought and watched go mushy over the weekend and took them to the recycling bins along with the 20 billion empty bottles and 60 billion empty cake crisps and dips and sweet wrappers
Happy Birthday 50 year olds everywhere! If it is true that things get better with age then we are all MAGNIFICENT!