Bum Symphony

So here I am writing this blog from the ‘little girls room’ as I play a bum symphony that would rival Beethovens! At least I am in my own house (and I am staying here til I can trust my farts again!). I had the same problem at work yesterday but the toilets there are not conducive to bottom explosions due to the 7 inch gap above and below the cubicle (probably summat to do with budgets – policies such as no more taxi’s when you can get a bus are springing up … so perhaps no more full size toilet cubicles is another way to save cash). This meant some serious bottom clenching when I heard people coming into toilets that were deserted when I entered. This kind of illness is a rarity for me – normally my body will not give up a calorie without some considerable fight.

And what has caused this? I resist the temptation to fall into a Google frenzy which will result in me convinced I have some awful disease – it is a simple tummy upset I am sure. Well at least I think it is – I can always google later – like maybe after I’ve lost a stone or so and can get into my jeans again for the visit to the Doctor. However, after careful deducement consisting of comparing food eaten with my partner and finding out we had eaten the same (apart from 8 jaffa cakes and two aero’s and a mint club biscuit – but they have never made me ill before so I don’t think it was them) and I am the only one who is ill – I conclude it is bloody magnesium supplements.

I decided a week or so again to try ‘natural’ help to get me through my menopause. It is a bloomin minefield. I Googled like crazy and you could actually end up remortgaging your house if you took advice on everything. Magnesium seemed a good first choice as it claimed to reduce irritability, mood swings, insomnia and anxiety. I mean – what’s not to like? So off I went to the Health Food Shop to stock up.

It was my first visit to a Health Food Shop and what an experience that was. The clientele are a bit different from Lidl that’s for sure. Lots of serious faced people with large rucksacks marching stridently up and down the lanes saying ‘Excuse ME!’ a lot while they compared different types of muesli that you had to scoop into a paper bag. No coco pops anywhere! I worked through seeds and nuts and tofu and oat milk and lots of similar type stuff that made me start thinking it would be a good way to lose weight – I cannot imagine sitting by the fridge eating tofu pieces out of the packet in the same way as I scoff rolled up ham with Chicken flavoured crisps in the middle. Or eating muesli at night when I come in rather than stopping off for a doner kebab. Then I discovered the sweetie section and decided that i must definitely become a vegan – at £4.20 for a bar of vegan chocolate I would be far more restrained than I am at B&M Stores (39p and apart from maybe some of it coming from animally things and being called ‘milk chocolate’ rather than some nobby title like ‘raw halo pink himalyan salt organic coco snack’ seems to be remarkably similar). I am convinced and decide to become vegan there and then. I buy a chickpea and spinach bake which appears to resemble a Greggs sausage roll apart from the price tag (£4.20 rather than 90p) and of course the sausage filling but how different can it really be. It will be expensive to be a vegan but it will be worth it when I am slim and healthy. I get some of the himalayan chocolate to try on the way home.

Anyway – I have digressed. Magnesium! Supplement aisle was next. You would think it would be easy. All I want is some magnesium supplements. But nope – there are ten million types – chelated magnesium; magnesium citrate; magnesium spray – then on top of that there is a variety of strengths. I am in despair but now that I am a vegan I decide that I am in the club and can legitimately ask a member of staff. I have my chickpea bake and my vegan chocolate and a pair of vegan socks I discovered that were as soft as anything all in my basket to prove my worthiness. All the staff are about 12 and very very pale. I ask one what I should get just for a normal supplement. I pretend it is for my mum so I don’t get asked any difficult questions. She hands me a bog standard magnesium supplement – success!! I leave the shop proudly displaying my eco friendly brown health food shop making sure the logo is displayed on the outside. I am almost fifty quid down but hey ho – I am now a healthy vegan who is never going to be irritable or moody again.

Except no one told me of the bottom related side effect. And realistically I can’t spend my life on the toilet (though it would help with my aim of losing 50lbs in the 12 weeks til my college reunion). Apparently too much can also lead to a calcium deficiency though I am confident that my chocolate intake would always keep me out of the danger zone. But then if I am a vegan… maybe I would need to do another supplement to counter act that. I have checked other potential side effects for other supplements I was considering. Black Cohosh – weight gain and rash – so no way – Menopause has made me fat and ugly enough as it is. Ginkgo – dizziness and restlessness – can’t be doing with that. Motherwort – sleepiness – well am already in bed for 9pm so that’s out.

So am giving up on the supplements for now. And tbh I have to give up on the veganism as well. Well tb very honest – I gave up after an hour as the chickpea and spinach pie was absolutely awful even when I dipped it in tomato ketchup (at £4.20 I was not going to throw it away!), And also though I’d like to be slim for my college reunion – reality tells me it will be like the school reunion when most people had also got fat – many even fatter than me.

So anyone looking for some magnesium supplements for a knock down price (and let’s face it – after reading this – how coudl you not?) – you can get them on my Gumtree account!

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