Work Bitch Work

Well it is the 74th of January today …. or at least that’s what it feels like. This month has gone on FOREVER. But on the plus side it is also payday…. at long long long long long last! And that reminder of why I go to work is most timely.

Because today was a bit rubbish but not particularly different from every other day. I started the day by hitting snooze about 15 times due to exhaustion. Zephrus said ‘the only people awake at 3am are in love, lonely, drunk or all three’. He clearly had not consulted with menopausal women. I bloody wish it was alcohol keeping me awake then rather than the well known ‘menopausal worry hour’.

Then it was time to find something to wear – plans to lay everything out the night before never quite came to fruition. Discard the first blouse as it shows up sweat patches – never good when the hot flushes kick in.

Finally dress and set off to work. Decide to walk as need to
get fit – 30 mins up to the bus stop and 30 mins back – perfect, fits in with all those recommendations to ‘make exercise part of your life’. But… it is freezing and my bag is really heavy and I have just been paid – and a taxi with its light on goes past. So just for today I get a taxi to the bus stop. I have a panic at the bus stop that my forgetful mind may have caused me not to pick up my work security pass. I have done this too many times before – and have to sit in reception for 100 years while they can find someone willing to sign me in which most people don’t want to do as they are then responsible for me and lending me their pass every time I need to swipe out to get to the loo… which can be rather frequent. But I have it – hooray!! And I seem to be reasonably matched in my attire. I wore two odd shoes once – same colour but an inch of difference in the heel. I didn’t notice til lunchtime – I was relieved rather than embarrassed though after worrying all morning I may have osteoarthritis (which is apparently another likelihood as estrogen levels drop) as my hip ached from walking on uneven shoes.

Get to work and time to sign on – I gaze thoughtfully at the flashing line on my PC daring me to remember my password. It takes a minute or two but then it comes to me – hooray, no need to spend another hour on to IT explaining that once again I have locked myself.

So the day isn’t going too bad but then it is time for the ‘training event’ – won’t bore you with the details but we had to all start by giving an interesting fact about ourselves that might surprise people. Well I was most excited – I did a similar exercise about ten years ago and everyone was most impressed.

Finally it’s my turn. ‘I was on Top of the Pops dancing behind Craig McLachlan’ I announce proudly. Blank looks all round. Too late, I remember the average age is around 28. I continually forget I am twice the age of half the people I work with. ‘Who’s Craig Mclaughlin’?’ say the graduate. ‘What’s top of the pops?’ says the Apprentice. FFS – Its Craig MCLACHLAN I say then I sing a bit of the song ‘Hey Mona…OOOO Mona’ just in case it triggers a memory – but there is zero recognition. A sudden urge to get up and do the dance comes over me but I manage to resist and we move on to 24 year old Cliff who tells us about his climb up Kilimanjaro to raise £5000 for orphaned orangutans or something similar. When did young people get so bloody compassionate? Do none of them get wrecked on cheap booze while hanging out on street corners the way my generation did? The youth of today just don’t know how to have fun. Anyway – I resolve to find a more recent interesting fact in case I am in this position again.

At break time the Apprentice approaches. She has checked youtube and cannot find me dancing on top of the pops. I explain that it was sometime ago and utube wasn’t around then. ‘No utube’ she says in wonder then glares at me again ‘well do you have a picture?’. ‘No’ I sigh and I can tell she is sure I am lying now – no selfie? So I have to give a short history lesson on how you used to have to take a proper camera out with you not just fish your phone out because shock horror – there were not mobiles!. And due to the likely vast intake of cheap booze you often didn’t take it coz you would have broken it or lost it. And in actual fact we often went out and… did not take one single photo all night!! I am getting into my stride when her apple watch makes a noise which tells her she must go and run up and down the stairs. I watch her retreating back and remember when we just did exercise without needing a bleep to tell us when to do it.

Anyway the day dragged on but finally it was time to go home. I was most depressed as I wait at the bus stop – as I couldn’t think of a single interesting anecdote about myself in the last decade. Not one!! I rack my brains. What happened? I’ve tons from before but I need to be more relevant for the next one. My mood is falling – a man joins the queue eating his pie from Greggs. Well he eats half of it and throws the other half in the street. I don’t know whether it is the menopause rage or if I am justified (it is often hard to tell?) but I am raging. ‘Mate – you just dropped your pie on the road’ I say. ‘So?’ he says in an insolent way. ‘So it means you are a DIRTY FECKIN BASTARD’ I say ‘Pick it up and put it in the FECKIN BIN which is conveniently situated just a 12 step walk from where you area standing’. He looks at me slack mouthed. And I get a slight panic… Oh no…. What have i done? No one else at the bus stop is menopausal and it is Edinburgh so they are all just pretending they haven’t heard anything. I suspect if I am stabbed they will just step over me trying to avoid the blood and get on the bus. I see a taxi and quickly flag it down. Yes I should be saving money but this is really a health and safety thing.

Back home and I search Spotify – there it is. I try my dance steps out – I can remember them!!! I dance around the living room ecstatic. I mean the steps were fairly easy – I just happened to be in the crowd and pulled up to do a simple dance with a few others – but I’ve still got it going on!!

I have a couple of drinks and open my laptop and check out skydiving; canyoning; everest climbing and a number of other exciting but slightly scary activities. I have yet to choose – but I WILL have an exciting fact to share next time. But for now it is 9pm and time for bed.

Over the hump and the weekend is on the horizon – hooray!

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