So this happened!!

I was slightly worried heading off to Fat Club as the week could not really be classed as an overall success. My pal who lost four stone on slimming world says that she just took a day off each week and had what she wanted and that kept her going.

So I had Sunday off and had a great fry up then went out for Sunday lunch and had starter big main course then sticky toffee pudding with cream and ice cream all washed down with a bottle of Chablis. I then had a big bar of galaxy at the cinema and we stopped off on the way back for a kebab. Couple of glayvas with some thai chilli crisps concluded a very good day. And she was right – it does feel good to have a day off.

I was telling her about my lovely day and she was a little quiet.
I asked her what he had on her ‘day off’ and she looked a little bemused as she said she stuck to plan but had a creme egg and a glass of wine over her allocated syns. Feck – I didn’t even count the syns – she did a quick calculation for me and it appeared I had about 1000 which isn’t really good as I am supposed to have 15. I thought a day off was a day off ffs. I have told her to be a bit clearer in future and she told me to fuck off and it was obvious that you couldn’t have ‘whatever you want and still lose weight’. I told her to shut up. This is a typical conversation between two menopausal women.

But I did have the Leggara pizza at Pizza Express which was billed as the healthy low fat option. Wasn’t that impressed though as basically it is just a pizza with the middle cut out and some leafs stuck in. Feck you could do that with all your food and it would be low fat – just chop out the middle of your kebab, take out the middle of your nan bread, chop out the middle of your galaxy bar etc. I also had a little bit of an upset tummy for the first few days – finally realised it is the artificial sugar that my body doesn’t like – it wants the real stuff back so had to give up on stuff like muller light reluctantly as the laxative effect was probably quite conducive to weight loss. But the stomach cramps were more than I can bear. I had also given a pint of blood at the blood shop and ran 2.5K. And done lots of bum clenches due to holding farts in from having so much ‘speed food’. So was overall hopeful.

In I went determined just to weigh in and feck off before all the happy clappy stuff. The girl with all the heavy clothes on the previous week was before me. She looked at me appalled – ‘you still have your earings in’ she hissed. I was most confused – ‘yes – but they are just little silver studs’ I whispered back. She shook her head as I took in her outfit. Trousers so thin they were almost see through and a tiny vest top. It was all too clear she was not wearing knickers or a bra. She was frantically taking all her jewellery off. ‘Actually’ she said ‘I think i can manage another wee – keep my place’ and off she went to the loo. Fecks sake! She appeared back and I was trying to work out what was different about her. ‘I’ve had my hair cut’ she said ‘ I think it should also help with the weight loss’. She then regaled me with all the things I was doing wrong to ensure weight loss – not taking my jewellery off/not wearing lighter clothes/not starving myself before I came/not going to the loo. She was impressed with my blood thing though and said she might do that next week. Then it was her turn and off she went after reminding me to breathe totally out before getting on the scales as the ‘air can weight more than you think’. She looked a bit unsteady as she staggered to the scale almost missing it but the leader kindly helped her on – I realised she had also taken her specs off and wasn’t pissed but just half blind without them.

Well lots of me is falling apart – got a dodgy knee, the eyes are going and I am getting rather wrinkly – but one thing that is razor sharp still is my hearing. 4lbs off. Feck – she did good. No way I was gonna beat that. So it was my turn – she had buggered off and was engrossed in her phone no doubt updating her facebook to let them all know. How sad 😉

SEVEN POUNDS OFF – ya dancer!!!! I almost did a fist pump into the air I was so overjoyed but I stuck to the little smug smile I had seen so many others do. I decided I might stay for the meeting just to see ‘Fake Slimmers’ shock when I beat her. I mean the leader says we should not compare and we are all on our own journey. But I beg to differ! I am in it to win it. Then to clinch the deal there were raffle tickets. I love a raffle. No idea what the prize was but paid £2 for the tickets.

A pad was thrust into my hands and I was asked to be leader for something called fun tech or something like that. I worked out it was something to do with counting up the weight our team lost but there were complicated bits around if someone got a certificate. Not a good idea to give this to a menopausal woman who is easily distracted and suffers from brain fog. But I decided to try my best.

Then the Happy Clappy stuff all started. God it is so crap and endless. ‘Big round of applause for Rachel who lost a pound’ then ‘Big round of applause for Mavis who gained a pound but overall has lots 3lbs in the last 6 weeks – well done Mavis’ then ‘2lbs on for you Margaret – what happened? – oh you say your dog hurt its paw so you had to have a Chinese – well don’t worry life happens and that would upset anyone’ ‘Onto David – who has put a pound on but has been in Tenerife for a week so that’s really good well done David’. And on and on and on it went. Finally it go to me and I was overjoyed. SEVEN POUNDS OFF AND A CERTIFICATE FOR ME. My bubble was quickly burst by Fake Slimmer though who whispered ‘well you are a lot bigger than me so it’s much easier for you to lose’. Fucker – I almost stabbed her with my pen as hormonal rage started to erupt but controlled myself.

Then we had to guess the syns in some very appetising Easter eggs that were laid out. Seemed a bit odd – I mean I have never been to AA but am guessing they don’t lay our bottles of booze and try and guess how drunk each one would get you. But I played along guessing correctly that the big double decker one was highest – coz that is the one I wanted the most.

I didn’t win the raffle unfortunately – but wasn’t too bothered when I discovered the prize wasn’t the Double Decker egg but some real eggs with some crustless bread to make soldiers for Easter. I could have bloody bought that for £2.

We did win the fun challenge county thing though but tbh I cheated. I was so distracted going through my wardrobe in my head wondering what I could wear now I was so much thinner that I kept forgetting to write stuff down. So when the other team gave their result I just added 5 on so we would win. Not a single prize for that though!!! I can’t help but wonder what happens to all the Chocolate Eggs that are laid out.

We all pile out – Fake Slimmer walks in front of me with Margaret who is now her new best friend (I think she is jealous of my success) and declares she is off to get chinese and chocolate as it ‘doesn’t count’ as nothing eaten on the night of weight in matters as long as you get back on plan the next day apparently.

Not me though. I am going to get right back on it.

Well – I might have an Easter Egg – I mean I have to walk past the corner shop and I do believe in supporting local businesses

And I have been looking at them all evening.

Actually I will probably get two coz they have an offer on if you buy two.

Then I will have a whole week to make up.

#menopause #slimmingworld

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