I’m a Vegan!

So that’s me been a vegan for 9 hours now and all is going well.

I have been thinking about it for a while and have been reading up on it. Apparently all animals are given hormones to speed up their growth. And if they are eating hormones – then you are also eating their hormones when you eat meat. And as the balance of my hormones at the moment is decidedly precarious then this is perhaps a complication best avoided.

It is also claimed that eating soy and soy foods regularly can help alleviate menopausal symptoms because it contains something called phytoestrogens which reduce hot flushes. Even better some research says that soy can fight the diseases the Menopause Fairy likes to bring along such as high cholesterol, osteoporosis and heart disease.

However the deciding factor was watching Carnage while recovering from a hangover this morning. Me and my pal sat with piles of galaxy and found it on iplayer. We thought it would be funny coz Simon Amstell produced it. Well it wasn’t. Nothing has ever put me off Galaxy but when I saw the horrible man drag the crying calf away from it’s mummy so they could steal all the babys milk from its devastated mother to make chocolate bars I could not eat it anymore – I swear I could taste the despair. And just when I thought my menopausal moods were starting to stabilise, I spent some time alternating between crying my eyes out and feeling fury.

So it was off to the book shop to get some vegan cookbooks and onto Ocado to order all my vegan supplies. Then a quick trip to Lakeland to get a waffle maker for the sweet potato waffles and a Tofu press.

I returned home to find my partner less than supportive – especially when I lift all Lakeland bags out of the boot. “NOOOHHHHHH” was the response “You promised you would not go into Lakeland for at least a year when we worked out that we had £1400 worth of their products in the attic gathering dust”

“We are going vegan” I replied calmly. “It is a new way of living. If you want to eat meat and eggs that is fine but don’t expect me to cook it for you”

“I do most of the bloody cooking coz you always say that you are menopausally exhausted and can’t be arsed – so how exactly will that work” is the next response which is also less than helpful.

“Not a feckin problem” I say. “I will go for my tea at Wagamamas every night if that is how you feel and you can just stuff yourself full of dead cows yourself. So it is ABSOLUTELY FINE”. But all women know that ‘absolutely fine’ does not mean fine – it means ‘I am in a huff and you won’t be getting any for quite some time!’

“What about bacon sandwiches on a Sunday?” my partner says sensing a weak spot.

But I have thought of that. I do like a crispy bacon sandwich and even watching Babe didn’t stop me eating bacon. “That’s ok” I reply – “I will have them still – but for the rest of the week I am going to be completely vegan”

“Right….so you are going to be a vegan who eats bacon sandwiches on a Sunday… just so I am sure?” is the next response as my partner ponders my logic.

I don’t answer for a minute as I am looking at the Fat Gay Vegan website on my phone. But the silence is getting a bit deafening so I have to clarify. “I am not going to be a wankyvegan that thinks courgette and beetroot traybake is a good alternative to chocolate fudge cake – and makes a big fuss in restaurants to get attention. But I am serious – apart from that I will be totally vegan.”

“Oh for fucks sake” is the response “It is a bloody fad – like that time you went all Deliciously Ella and spent £400 on a magimix because she insisted you needed it to make almond butter. Then it was the Jason Vales juicing – £200 quid on a juicer and almost £3K on his retreat that thank god the credit card company rejected”

I sigh and start googling ‘vegan celebrities’ – but the rant is taking hold.

“Then remember the 5:2 when I had to pick you up from work at half four because you had fainted from hunger. And the Atkins when we became on first name terms with the butcher and he got his first holiday in years with the profits from our purchases”

This is all true to be honest – but I know veganism is the way to go. I try to distract from the rant “Look – Ellie Goulding… Miley Cyrus… Ellen De Generes – they look amazing and are all vegan” I try to explain but to no avail. My partner is on verbal vomit mode and can’t be stopped.

“Then that lighter life shite – £500 quid on packs of powder and where did that get you?”. I am getting annoyed now “Yes – but I lost 15lbs” I say indignantly. And I did – ok I put 20lbs back on but I lost 15!!.

“Then the hypnosis sessions and having to listen to Paul McKenna telling us he could make us thin every bloody night”

It’s time to interrupt and make a point. My partner though not as podgy as me has put on a few pounds lately. “Look at Kate and Jim down the road” I say triumphantly. “They are vegans and slim and healthy – we can be like that”

“Oh for fucks sake” is the response. “Kate and Jim are thin because they run marathons every few weeks and have personal trainers. When you are out getting pissed with your pals and eating kebabs on the way home, Kate is in the gym working out. On Sunday mornings when you are hungover watching Corrie in bed with bacon sandwiches, Kate and Jim are doing wild swimming. That is why they are thin. Not because they are vegan”

I am getting strong vibes that I am losing this argument because of my partners over reliance on factual information to back up their case. I try to think of a way to get the upper hand but my brain fog and the remains of a hangover is stopping me thinking as quickly as normal so I stay quiet trying to think of a smart final comment. Also I can’t get a bloody word in edgewise.

“Yes and their is another thing – running – you bought that subscription to Running World and bought two pairs of very expensive trainers and a ton of running outfits. You then signed up to run 10k for that Donkeys in Greece charity thing – which can I remind you is only 3 weeks away – and so far you have only been out twice and still can’t run more than 2k.

“And we still have cupboards full of that slimming world shite from the last fad” Finally my partner stops for a breath. I try not to let out the big laugh that is inside of me as I remember the scream from the kitchen last week when they discovered ‘frozen fingers’ in the freezer. Expect they weren’t – they were strips of banana which Slimming Word had suggested freezing so they could be turned quickly into ‘delicious banana ice cream’ when you had a sugar craving. I suspect this was a lie so didn’t ever take the plan to fruition. A big snort comes out as I remember that scream – as if we’d have frozen fingers in our freezer…

My partner is in a bit of shock as I am not arguing back – not realising I am trying not to laugh. Not used to having the upper hand they carry on full of hope that this ‘fad’ can be hit on the head. “And all your shoes – and those Michael Kors bags and purses…. leather – so are you going to get rid of them? You will have to if you are going to be a VEGAN”. I don’t like the emphasis on vegan… as if it is a dirty word.

“You are right” I say – “I cannot be a hypocrite – the leather would have to go”. My partner perks up sensing a victory. “The good news though” I continue ” is that there are vegan equivalents – Mink… Matt & Natt… all suppliers of vegan shoes and handbags. And it is nearly my birthday….so it is a great opportunity to replace everything”

“What?” My partner is now sensing victory starting to slip away and not quite sure how it happened.

I feel a bit bad and say ‘hold on – I’m off to get blindfolds – I have an idea’. I run and get the 2 eye masks we have in our kitchen shit drawer from a long haul flight a couple of years ago. I come back and cover mine and my partners eyes with them. My partner is wide eyed – could victory still be in sight – winning an argument and still in with a chance of getting it….that never usually happens,

But I beg to feckin differ. It isn’t happening as something is much more important. I feel my way into my bag and pull out 5 different bars of vegan chocolate as I must have an alternate to Galaxy. Time for a blind tasting session. We are delighted to find that the 45p bar from Tesco is better than the £3.50 bar from Holland and Barratt. But we have to eat quite a lot to confirm those findings and it gets a little messy.

The dog walker returns with Sweet Dog to find us in the midst of piles of melting chocolate and blindfolds and gets very flustered (note to self must remember she has set of keys) and quickly excuses herself. Sweet dog goes nuts and tried desperately to get to the remaining chocolate. Partner goes off to walk her again while I tidy up the chocolate mess and put all our vegan stuff into the cupboards throwing out quite a bit of slimming world crap as I go to makes space.

Half an hour later they are both back ….. with quorn bacon rashers!! On offer at Tesco apparently. And some squirty vegan ice cream. And a gleam in the eyes (of my partner – not the dog). Just as well i didn’t throw the blindfolds in the washing machine!

I think this vegan thing will work out just fine.

#menopause #vegan

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4 thoughts on “I’m a Vegan!”

  1. hah,,, just shared it on FB.. went your page and found it… usual hilarious out pouring

    any further forward getting an appointment with Pauline? Maybe one mid week if your weekends are busy?



  2. We went vegetatrian after watching What the Health on Netflix !😷😷 There is hope for anyone I say because my partner is a training fanatic who was obsessed with chicken and is 6 mths in !!Oh the joy of not handling slimey chicken breasts. Admire Veganism..can’t seem to stretch to that. Another very funny read 😊


  3. “I am getting strong vibes that I am losing this argument because of my partners over reliance on factual information to back up their case.” Hilarious. You could be talking about me (except for the bacon sarnies)! Hope you stick with the veganism, it’s great.


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