Menopausal Public Transport

So – I am trying thinking of giving my car up. I have told Hemp Oil Harriet that I am doing it for the environment but the truth is that menopausal poverty (last bill £75 for supplements and a replacement ladycare magnet) means that running a car I don’t use that often is becoming a luxury I can’t afford!

Before making such a drastic move – I decided to have a practice. Last night I was off to South Queensferry to meet a friend for dinner. One big benefit of trying the bus out rather than drive is that I can partake of cocktails and wine. Big Tick for public transport.

A bit of playing around on the internet and I worked out the times and costs. I headed up to St Andrews Square – 30 minute walk. Feckin knackered. Totally feckin knackered. I was knackered before I left to be fair – I had ‘got ready’ to go out. That was a huge effort and I am coming to the conclusion that I can either get ready to go out or go out – attempting both is just too much.

Did I really used to go through the ‘getting ready’ every day before work? Threw myself into the Bus Station to be told that bus now departs from outside and over the road. Run at 100 miles an hour to get it – sweating despite for once not having a bloody hot flush.

Well – after my return bus trip, I have come to the conclusion that there needs to be a specialist bus for Menopausal Women.

Or at the very least a set of rules that all passengers must abide to when on a bus with said Menopausal Women. They are as follows:

• SEATING: If the bus if feckin empty – do NOT sit on the seat right next to a Menopausal Woman. If you do decide for some god forsaken reason to do so – you do NOT then get your mobile out and have a loud conversation with someone. If you happen to be reading – this is the reason I stood on your foot accidently on purpose while moving to another seat. Yes sorry and all that – but you were so bloody annoying!
• HEADPHONES: Use them! I do not want to listen to Frozen coming from your kids i-pad.
• TISSUES: Yes I know it is the season for colds – but for the love of god the STOP with the fecking sniffing. It does my blooming head in – just take a tissue and blow your bloomin nose.
• NOSE PICKING: Seriously, I am appalled there actually has to be a rule about this. I’m talking about you – tall man that got on around Blackhall. I may have PTSD from watching what you houked from your nose. GADZ – that is all!
• MAKE UP: Apply before getting on the bus or just don’t wear it. I do not want to be covered in bits of face bronzer on my lovely new jeans.
• COMPULSORY SPONSORED SILENCE: on all buses for schoolkids – remind me never ever to get the 4pm bus again. What a pile of crap teenagers talk. Also – I refer them to the tissue comment above
• TEMPERATURE: this is up to the menopausal woman to decide. If she slides open the window – it must be left open.
• TOILETS: any bus trip of more than ten minutes in duration MUST have a toilet. This is especially important when menopausal women are travelling having consumed considerable quantities of alcohol. The dust in the bus caused a few episodes of ‘peezing’ which, let’s be honest isn’t pleasant for anyone!
• STOP WARNINGS – A gentle nudge from someone when your stop approaches as menopausal exhaustion and aforementioned wine can lead to missing stop due to being asleep.
• SAD STORY FILTERS – On Facebook no sad stories should be allowed to filter in as sad donkey stories can cause oceans of tears which isn’t great when trying to see how close you are to your destination.

So the biggest issue with public transport is actually the public. So the penalties would be severe. I was thinking of tarring and brushing miscreants – then attaching them to a rope at the back of the bus and just dragging them along. However Sweet Dog has told me that is a bit extreme and it maybe an on the spot fine of maybe about £1000 would be sufficient.

I’m ok with that – as long as all proceeds to go to easing menopausal poverty!

I will put shortly release a ‘unilateral declaration’ in support of these recommendations. Suspect it will be as useful as the Brexit one but we can but try!

PS – Update on my book – ‘Galloping Catastrophe: Musings of a Menopausal Woman’. First – THANKS so much again to the 71 people who have ‘pledged’ ie pre-ordered the book.
If you haven’t and you would like to (I need about 400 people to pledge in total before it can be printed and sent to the shops…) please use this link…

Twitter @gallopingcatast

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