Menopausal Snakes and Ladders

“Life is like a box of chocolates” said Forest Gump

“Menopausal Life is like a game of Snakes and Ladders” said me!

If I manage to get up a ladder – then its just a matter of time til I encounter the next snake and down I go!

Take Friday – I get up after a miraculous full 7 hours of sleep so full of elation I hit the top of my first ladder of the day.

Then it’s time to use the eyedrops. The latest condition to hit my aging body is Blepharitis – so eye drops and very expensive ‘hygiene wipes’ are now making friends with the HRT patches, thyroxine and magnesium tablets in the toiletries bag. (I swear there is someone somewhere dishing out odd conditions to menopausal women and cackling away to themselves ‘think that’s bad wait til you see what I have waiting for you next!’). Anyway – I scream as my eyes start to burn and race to the taps to rinse them out. WTF? After ten mins of splashing cold water on my eyes I put my specs on and look at the eye drops. Which aren’t eye drops but cuticle cream. In the exact same shape and feckin colour! Wheeeeee – down the snake I go.

Off to work next and glance in mirror to check my red eyes out – and almost crash the car as I realise that in the night I have gained a desperate dan chin. Out with the tweezers (there are sets everywhere – bags/bathrooms/glove compartment) and wheeeee down another snake.

Renew my car insurance – £156. Feel very smug as friends 18 year old is having to pay just over £1600 for hers. It is a minor victory but I am taking it as a ladder and head on up again.

Then I make an appointment to get my helix pierced. Been wanting it for a while but now at age where I am saying ‘fuckit’ a lot more often and not ‘waiting’ any more. So up another ladder.

Head off to a meeting and two men barge in front of me and into the lift. I step in and they hit Floor 12. I hit floor one. Just before I exit I let out a silent but deadly fart and hit every button from 1 to 12. My menopausal superpower of invisibility allows me to do such things. I smile and move up the ladder as I imagine them jolting up every floor one at a time while surrounded in non too fragrant air (I had tandoori last night).

But then it’s down a snake as I can’t remember what feckin room I am supposed to be going to. Slide down a snake as I wander aimlessly til I see someone I recognise.

Then down another snake when half way through the meeting for no apparent reason I start to well up remembering the lovely little turtles in the amazing David Attenboroughs ‘Blue Planet’ that kept going to the lights of the town instead of the light of the moon and got knocked down/trodden on/fell down drains. I start a little pity party in my head when I realise I am one of those turtles – never quite sure what direction to go in and often going the wrong way. Fortunately no-one notices as I am still invisible.

Head for home and stop for Zumba. Hide at back of class as usual. But perky 17 year old stand in instructor Chelsea decides to play an oh so hysterically funny game and runs to the back of the room and gets us all to turn round. So I am now at the front and wonder who the old fat woman is in the front. I realise it is me just as Chelsea with the ‘thigh gap’ starts dancing away and I with the ‘thigh slap’ start sliding back down the the next snake.

Pick up my HRT prescription next. The woman at the pharmacy tells me proudly that she managed the menopause completely naturally and would never touch the stuff. Resist temptation to tell her that HRT is the only thing stopping me leaping over the counter and poking her in the eye with my car key. See this as a win of sorts and go up the ladder.

But I suppose the thing to remember is – every time you end up at the bottom of a snake, your next move could just take you to the foot of the next ladder……


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